I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize