I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
