My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
