is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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