I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
