Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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