I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
