so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
