I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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