It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Houston, we have a squirter
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
