Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
