You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
