You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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