Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
