we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
