is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
