My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
someone owes me an orgasm
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
