im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
