id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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