my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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