just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize