And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Never joke about your clitoris.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
