I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
