I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize