we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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