If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
