i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
