Don't make out with my wife yet
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
