Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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