Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
