Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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