After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize