The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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