you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
