Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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