Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
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