He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
