I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
