I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
