i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
