If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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