I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
