Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize