just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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