alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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