There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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