I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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