I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
