I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
