their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
third nipple confirmed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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