I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
