you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
