Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
