nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
