I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
