I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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