Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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