im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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