i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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