Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
