I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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