Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
