I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
